Just yesterday I thought would make me believe in love. I feel sick sort of. like I'm at the brink of something and I am sure that I will fall off the cliff. I know, sounds dramatic. however, i kid you not. there is nothing in this world that i would like than to cuddle up with my book and coffee and a good rain.
i mean it might not be something you might like. but hey this is what rings my bell. i feel so lost and adrift that it isn't even a joke any more. there is nothing that i want but peace. see the thing is, that i wanted to stay away from all this junk. honestly, single life rocks. as I have learned over the last four years. i think this post will suck ass (mind my language, i don't cuss much even here on this blog).
in the morning all i could think about was that no matter i have been through, i have always believed in love. you see, there is nothing wrong with me. the only thing wrong is i am too cynical now. there is not much i haven't seen. i have had people cheating on me, back biting me, talking shit to my face, lying to me and also playing me for their benefit. but all that i have managed to get so far out of all of this is that Allah has always kept me in the clear.
i am grateful for that. see i am cynical as hell now. there is nothing that i wouldn't do to be naive and young again. but then i might have made the same choices and ended up exactly where i am. let me make this clear, i don't regret my choices. they made me who i am. i may be dumb when it comes to a lot of things, but yes I get things and people better now. i have always had a knack with people.
so the experience i have had with jerks has now made me different. it has made me a bit wiser. i am a bit more cynical. yes i keep using that word. the only reason i do so is because there is nothing i believe now. people say i look nice, i don't believe them. i honestly don't believe in any compliment that i get. there is nothing nice that i believe in any more.
and honestly, i hate that. i want to believe people. and why shouldn't i want that. there are so many people out there who are not as bad as me. but honestly all i can think about is how no one is ever sincere. no one cares about me. i know that's wrong. i have scores of people and very good friends. they would die of horror if they heard me say that i don't have anyone who cares about me. so its al right guys, I know you care and i know you are always there.
this post was to let all of this out. like i said i feel sick. i saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just the shimmer of hope. and now that is gone. there is nothing that i would like more than curling up for being stupid once again. people really don't know how their actions hurt other people. see there is nothing that i would do that would hurt someone else. yes i am human i do end up hurting people. but overall my main aim is always to help people. OK and now i sound like I'm tooting my own horn.
i would really appreciate if people could help me out and make my life easier, by saying and doing what they mean. but yes I'm silly and childish enough to think that my knight in shining armour will still be here. and also there is nothing i want more than to have people to understand that me and my beliefs wont change. i will always think that i will get my knight in shining armour. and i know that sounds silly. but it is also what is
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